When I..

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Problematic Months
October has been extremly problematic for me. I've been bedeviled by health problems, friendship problems, emotional problems....Food Problems.

Sigh, I wonder is it becoz I'm a jinx, so all the bad things happen to me. If I didn't exist, would there be lesser problems?Haiz, I hate myself. Why does life have so many obstacles?Why can't I solve them?Why must I solve things alone?Why do I falter? Why can't I be resilient again.

Foodie problems
1) I feel so decadent, guilty. Juz this morning, I binged on 3 cups of hot milo(carbohydrates).
2) I ate half a can of sunmaid raisins(sugar)
3)8 Almond nougatz(refined sugar)

Sigh, I haven't been indulging in sweets, sugars for a long time. I had a craving, my tolerance level was low. So I sucuumbed to it. Once eaten, I'll greedily finish up everything.

Haiz, the refined foods are going to appear on my waistline. A thicker waist, a bigger paunch, thunder thighs, flabby arms. Ahh, its all going to happen soon to a forlon moi.

Is it hunger, is it guilt. I binge when I'm tempesptuous, unhappy. Food makes me feel better.Sigh, I wonder how can I sustain,adhere to a strict diet later on.I'll definitely have problems controlling my weight. Haiz. People be kind, and not tempt me into sweet foods, snacks. Ya noe my tolerance level.

Emotional Problems
1) Cheesed off at my domineering sister. Loathe it when she is so self centred, and assumes she's right.
2)Loathe it when she controls mina(maid) to do everything for her( taking shoes, bags, clothes. Even washing her undergarments).
3)Loathe it when she leaves her room so untidy. Loathe it when she leaves everything around the room.
4)Loathe it when she orders mina, scolds her frequently.
5)Loathe it when she deprecacates mina in front of everyone. Loathe it when she reproaches mina all the time.

Why can't my sister. be indepedent.Why can't she do some things herself. I really regret having a sister like her.She may appear nice in front of everyone, and treats us nicely. But, its not her true self. My sis and me are like chalk and cheese. I do everything myself without depending on mina. I clean my room, I wash my own undergarments, I am responsible for everything, except meals.

Why can't my sis understand, maids are humans too. They do not deserve to be treated like shit.Why must they tolerate ur ups and downs, ur scoldings. What have they done wrong to deserve such blatant treatment.If u treat someone badly, den they'll defintely distance u.

They work so hard to earn money for their family. We should not be domineering. We should learn to be indepedent, and not reliant. We should care for them, and treat them as a family.

I'm so sick and tired of my sister. Its because of this, I loathe her attuide, her nonchalace, her domineering character, her self-centredness.

Emotional Problems
1) Love problems,I'm so bedeviled by them. Even though we broke up in early April,I still have a sense of reproachment, and guilt. Haiz. I know he was the one who did me wrong.He dated anothe girl behind my back,etc. Spare me the details.

But,I still love him, and can't forget him. I can't be nonchalant, and pretend nothing happened. Haiz. I pretend to be stoic, and repress my feelings for my ex. We have to move on, but sometimes, I falter.

2) Friendship problems. It was till this year, my friend and I quarrelled a lot. Its inevitable dat we do disagree. But out of ten times, 8 times we were all quarelling. I dunnoe the cause. Perhaps it was stress from school,family problems, love problems. I repressed all this, became stoic. Thus ensuing in tremedous pressure, tension.

Haiz. Thou we're still as pally, and have a strong rapport, I feel so remorseful, and I reproach myself because of this. She didn't deserve all this from me.I'm so sorry, I wish to apologise to her for giving her attuide, quarelling with her, treating her insolently, blatantly.Sorry.

3) Exams are nearing. Thou I am prepared, except for my humanities. I fear I won't make it. I fear I fail. I fear I will disappoint my parents again. I fear the results of my exams. If I do badly, how am I going to face them. I fear the disappointment. I worry for my papers. I worry on my performance in school. I worry.

Haiz.I know I should seek solace in my friends. I noe I shouldn't repress my problems. I know I shouldn't put so much pressure for myself. I'm attempting to be sanguine, but I hope someone can succour help to me.I need help.

I need someone to talk too. I need to pour out my woes, but I can't. I feel so terrible inside. I feel so negative of myself, and people. I fear I'll lose everything(friends, family,love life). If I do lose everything, I'll defintely sucuumb to my depression again(it recurred last year).

Haiz. I'm sory if this entry is long. But, I'm not in the best of moods right now. I wanna cry.

I want you to..

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

1:50 PM